The Fire That Ate

“Oh shit baby are you okay?”   Jacob choked out through the fire that ate at him from the inside and the out.  

“No.”  He could hear the tears in her voice and could tell she was close, probably only three meters away.  But he could not open his eyes to see.

“What happened daddy?”

“Think the safety switch slipped off.  Must have fired it accidentally when I stood up.”

His mind reeled.  Miles from another person.  Deep in bear country, it was why he carried the spray.  Blind and burning from the accidental firing, all the horror stories that he’d dismissed earlier, the stories from the newspapers he’d decried as sensationalism about the man getting eaten in Yosemite, or the family getting attacked in their tent, all the stories came back to him now painted in the stark new color of defenselessness.  

He tried to be still; quiet the sick burning allergy of the spray, and think.  He and Sarah had both been hit with bear spray.  It had fired off as he stood up from a few minutes rest.  They were probably only a mile from where they had intended to camp.  There was no way they’d make it to the site now.  He had never felt a pain like this before, as bad...no, worse than the leg he had broken playing football in high school.  And this time no ambulance was in route.  And this time his daughter was crying so close to him he felt like he could touch her, but his hands burnt as if they had been dipped in napalm.

‘I shouldn’t touch her, it will just burn her worse.‘  Taylor thought.

“Baby,” he began, “I know how bad it hurts.  You’ve just got to stay still and whatever you do don’t touch your eyes.”

“Daddy it hurts.”

“I know baby.”  Jacob’s words were drowned out in her wail.

“I touched them Daddy!”  Sarah screeched.  Her words were followed by a high piercing scream of pain that tore through his heart with all the ferociousness of...of, of a hungry bear.

“Baby I know it hurts but you’ve got to be quiet.”  It was too late though the pain in his own: eyes, hands, mouth, lips, nose was bad enough, but his daughter’s pain was so much more.  As he dissolved into tears his being gave up the last vestige of hope and whatever courage he masqueraded vanished along with it.

“Come here baby.”  He said even as he crawled towards the sound of her wails.  He pulled her to his chest and for a time they just sat, the pain worse for touching, and eased by the touching too.  Somewhere in the back of Jacob’s mind he knew he had to wash their eyes out, in just a moment, he thought, when this pain passes a little.  But for a long time it didn’t pass.

-

Horrid.  I am an awful person.  Despicable.  Jacob tried to think every awful thought he could of himself.  Still he couldn’t blind himself to his irritation, that selfish little voice deep beneath the covers of his own self-respect, 

I hurt as bad as you Sarah, I’m not wailing, just be quiet Sarah, please shut up Sarah, Shut up Sarah!  

But she didn’t shut up, and perhaps there was some vestige of courage left in Jacob, because he found the strength to hold that demon beneath its cover.

“Baby...”  She just wailed.  “Sarah, I need you to listen to me now.  Sarah please.”

“It still hurts Daddy.”  Even as she said it though her sobs were cut by hiccuping breaths and the attempt to gather herself.

“I know baby.”  He petted her hair.  “I’ve got to do something to make this better and I can’t do anything until I can see.”  They had only been twenty meters from the deep swift waters, cold as the snow it was melting from.  He remembered that they had rested here because it was beautiful, because there was a gentle grassy slope that led to a slower bend in the river.  Jacob knew he had to crawl down there.  Blindly he felt out every new spot where placed his hand, continually hurting himself by not being patient enough in his probing searches.  Sarah’s sobs had softened and as he neared the water he could not hear her over the rush.  He shredded his hands on rocks and gravel, the pepper spray found its way into the scratches.  But, hurry was all he could think.

Jacob felt the muddy edge.  It lasted longer than he expected.  He was in a hurry, so he should be forgiven.  Jacob hurried too quick to the edge of the water; the bank of mud crumbled.  Head, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, all plunged into the water.  It was so cold it burned.  Jacob was sure he would be swept away; drowning in the current.  But his hands shot out, as if under a volition of self preservation all their own, and found purchase on the rock strewn bottom.  He did a push-up and came up out of the water, took a deep breath, and realized that the pain of the spray had - if only for a second - been neutralized.  Despite the numbing pain in his hands Jacob dunked his head again.  This time he forced his eyes open.  He came back up for a breath, trying to judge how long his arms would hold out against the cold and current, he dunked his head again and forced his eyes open one more time.  That was it, he had to inch back out of the water, grateful that the bank had not crumbled so completely that his whole body had fallen in.  But now he was aware for the first time that much time had passed.  The sun was not so warm as it had been when they stopped.  Night was coming.  

“Sarah!”  Jacob screamed not sure if he would hear her over the water.  “Sarah!”

“Daddy!”  He could hear her, but just barely.

“I’m coming for you baby.”

“Daddy I think I hear something.”  At least that is what Jacob thought he heard.  But he could not be sure, the roar of the water was still there.  As he crawled, horrors of the worst flashed in his mind, he rose shakily to his feet, stumbled, fell, rose again - he heard the worst.  It was low guttural and exactly what he would have imagined a bear to sound like.  He forced his eyes open again - it was like brimstone in his eyes, but for a moment he caught a glimpse.

Jacob and Sarah were on a narrow strip of trail leading into heart of the Grand Tetons, below them the mountain slipped into the river Jacob had just fallen into.  Above them was a step grass and wildflower covered rise, beautiful, bucolic, and the home of a huge brown shape, Jacob could not clearly see, rising up on its back legs.

“Sarah!”  Jacob screamed.  He crawled forward into a run, his legs churning towards his daughter through every scrap and fall.  A roar like rumbling thunder shook the very earth.

Jacob stopped knowing he was close to his daughter now, he felt the challenge of the roar.  The savage nature of the beast inherent to every animal, even the men who have tried so hard to civilize it out of themselves, rose up in Jacob and he screamed a dry ragged roar of his own.

“Daddy.”  Sarah whimpered softly next to him.  Jacob cracked his eyes open and it was a little easier this time.  He saw up the side of the mountain a beast more than big enough in and of itself, looking all the bigger because of the mountain’s steep rise.  And next to this huge brown bear, a smaller cub.  The pain became to great and Jacobs eyes closed involuntarily.

A frantic search was taking place inside Jacob’s mind.  Where was the bear spray?  The pain in his own eyes was enough to convince him that it might work, if only he could get to it quickly enough.  But he had stripped it off his belt in such haste when it had sprayed un-intentionally that he couldn’t guess where it had landed.  He opened his eyes.  The bear huffed as she pawed the ground, her head shaking back and forth.  Another great roar and its echo against the mountains.

“Fuck you!”  Jacob roared back.

The bear charged.  Jacob didn’t waver.  He took two strong steps forward placing himself between his daughter and the bear.