MBCoalson

I should be ranting and raving against the morons who think that a snow storm means that Global Warming is a hoax. Even though the science behind this hoax has been clear on one point, lots of changes are going to happen - the most obvious change? more intense weather.

But ranting about the weather isn't whats on my mind today. What is on my mind is a girl.

Let me tell you a story.

All day yesterday, for weeks really, I've had this woman in my head. She is beautiful; a smattering of freckles across her cheeks, the sort of body that does not lend itself to be written poetically about, more pornographic really. Eyes, ears and all the other requisite parts are there too, and I like them all. So she's beautiful, I desire her, I want to get to know more about her, so on and so forth.

The only place I've ever seen her is where she works, an all organic grocery store. Now I am on the green bandwagon, so not only do I see a beautiful woman when I walk into the store but I see someone who has got a similar ethos. I'm not saying that this woman and I are meant to be together or anything. But I really think there is a valid starting point for getting to know one another. At least a more valid starting point than, 'hey you're hot, wanna fuck?' Which seems to work for so many other people.

I go in to this grocery store today with the notion in my head that I'm going to strike up a conversation with this...do I call it an infatuation, or is this love at first sight. I prefer the later, though unless I find a way to do something about my attraction the former is more accurate. But its the finding something to do about it that kills me.

Tangent: Alright so, I've got this mental tripping block in my head. I see the world as one grand conspiracy. Some days I get poetic about it and feel like its a spiritual thing, and that it is really God leading me towards my destiny. But mostly I just feel like the whole world is conspiring to make a practical joke out of me and my life.

So this malicious world would hate to see me succeed in attracting a woman I'm attracted to. They would much rather see me settle for someone who just happened to be passing by. And there is a girl that I'm trying to hang out with right now that, to my mind would be settling. I was planning on calling Passer-by girl tonight so I wouldn't be lonely on my day off from work.

But hanging out with the Passer-by girl was not my number one plan. My plan was to go into that grocery store and be confident and funny, perhaps even whimsical and ask this crush of mine out on a date.

Ah, but the fates intervened. At least that was how it felt. You see Passer-by girl and I had this nice conversation a week or two ago that was enough to make me realize that spending time with her was good. During our conversation we were distracted by a group of young woman making all sorts of noise having a funny light hearted conversation.

One of the girls joking around was a young woman who I've had one of those eye flirtations with. You know what I'm talking about, she and I have prolonged eye contact that seems to be the common conception of attraction. When in truth if I'm really attracted to a girl the last thing I want to do is look her directly in the eye. Love - the attraction part of love - is terrifying. What if this is the one, what if I really do want to be with this girl forever...Jesus that is a heavy place to start. So if I feel a real attraction I become shy. But this little girl, and she is little by every standard except the legal one (I'm pretty certain that the young woman I've made eyes at is eighteen - she is in college after all) is only a passing fancy.

So in my head this Little Fancy has become associated with the Passer-by girl who I'm planning on calling today if my attempt to get the girl I'm really attracted to to hang out with me. And guess who is the first person I see when I walk into the organic grocery store this morning? You guessed it, Little Fancy. Apparently she has gotten a job at the organic grocery store where a girl I am really interested in getting to know better - so interested in getting to know her that I become shy, from fear of the honesty of my feelings.

My head isn't right. And this minor alteration in the world, Little Fancy showing up at a place I'd never expected and because she is associated with Passer-by girl seemed like too much of a coincidence.

I spent time in a mental institute because of the way my brain works. For the rest of my life I'm going to doubt my own thought process. Everything has to pass through logic before I'm allowed to offer it up to the world in my day to day life. At least I try to pass everything through logic. But I've never really been a logical person deep down. There has always seemed to be too much chance in the world for logic to play some great overarching theme. Truth is, my nature leads me to be very superstitious. Numbers mean strange things to me, as do playing cards, it's not uncommon for me to carry a coin with me in case I can't decide between two things. So when I saw Little Fancy I knew it wasn't just coincidence. My head went into a whirl of, 'what does this mean?' And I knew that I would never be able to ask my real crush her name, much less asking her out.

Instead I bought my veggies, didn't say hi to Little Fancy because - even though it wasn't her fault - I was angry at her for screwing up my plan. Then I went to the juice counter where the girl I like so much makes drinks and asked her for a grapefruit juice. I didn't say anything funny, special, or memorable before leaving. When I got out to my car I called Passer-by girl and left a message. Now, if she calls me back I'll be convinced that she's read this passage, and is some sort of psychologist trying to straighten out the mislaid screws in my head.

I know that last bit is nonsense. It's just something my head made up in reaction to my disappointment. But I had the thought and it is going to linger all night long. And if she doesn't call me back I'm certain my head will come up with some explanation for why Watcher wanted it that way to.

God, if you are out there please I've been writing because I thought it was what you wanted me to do. But if expressing my screwed up notions of a world with Watcher in it is going to mean I'm spending the rest of my life without being able to make a real connection, I'd rather be put out of my misery.